How to: maintain a long distance relationship while abroad

One of the scariest parts about going abroad for me was leaving my partner behind in the states. Ian and I were practically living together during the school year and had really only spent time apart during winter and summer break. I came to see him in Tulsa for 2 weeks before I left, where I helped him move into his new apartment for the school year. I don’t think it made things any easier, but I really enjoyed getting to be part of the process and getting to spend time with him before I left.

Before we really agreed to be in a serious relationship I told him of my intentions to go abroad and since we were really close at the time, that he would have to be okay with being apart from me that long. He agreed to it and that was that, and now about a year later here I am, sitting in Copenhagen.

It feels like so long ago that we agreed to be okay with this, and there was a lot of crying and uncertainty on my part before I left that I would really actually thrive while abroad, and saying goodbye was terribly difficult. We spent our last night together debating about which variation of my black shirts I would bring (spoiler: I brought all of them), and watching Star Wars and the next morning he dropped me off at the airport and that was that.

We technically had been long distance over the summer and that was also really difficult. Maintaining long distance friendships is something I’m no stranger to, my best childhood friend and I haven’t lived in the same state together since we were 7, and I’m still pretty close to my good friends from high school. However, an LDR is a whole different ball game.

Establish your expectations!

It’s important to talk about what you expect from each other before you even leave. This can include many things – from how often and how long you expect to talk, how you want to talk, etc. This prevents a lot of small arguments that could crop up before hand. An unsaid facet to this is to speak up if you think an expectation is too great and may not be met! If your partner expects that you’ll call every night and you know that it’s impossible, then you should communicate this.

Mind the time difference and your schedules.

Really though, the whole “let’s talk everyday” is a recipe for trouble for most people, especially considering the time difference and how much both of you have going on during the semester. Whether your partner is in school, is working or both, it’s really difficult to find a time that works sometimes.

Even in the best of times, sometimes something just comes up, and it can become really difficult to deal with the disappointment of not being able to talk to your partner. It’s best to be realistic with your expectations but also understanding of your partner if something does come up.

Ian and I had planned on talking in the evening my time every Tuesday and Thursday and this worked out for us really well in the beginning, and then he was offered an amazing internship that would now take up that time. I can’t say I reacted with the most grace ever, but ultimately I knew that it would be okay. I altered my expectations and now we try our best to let the other know when some free time might come up to chat for a little bit.

Find support!

Chances are, there’s many people who are also in long distance relationships while abroad. Find friends who can relate to you and understand your struggle. I’ve been really lucky that many of my friends here know and understand my struggle and can emphasize with me when I’m sad simply because I miss my partner. It really helps to know you’re never really truly alone.

Create “dates” and things to look forward to.

Sometimes things can feel like they’re dragging on and that the time between now and when you’ll see them again seems like eternity. One way to make it feel less like a chasm is to plan dates and things to look forward to. Sometimes for us this is as simple as picking a movie to watch together at a certain time and just being together.

Speaking of looking forward to – Ian’s parents were gracious enough to have him come to Copenhagen to visit me for the semester! He came for a week over Thanksgiving break and we were able to spend 5 days in Copenhagen and 2 days in Berlin.

Knowing he was coming made it feel significantly better, but understandably not everyone gets this. However, you do get to return home to them soon.

Cherish every little moment

Being away from your partner is difficult. But looking back at the last year, Ian and I have spent more time apart than we have together and yet I still beam with happiness thinking about how much we’ve grown together.

I’m grateful for all the meals we’ve shared, whether at a nice restaurant or takeout in our bed with Netflix on.

The infamous creme brulee donut at Paper Island

Spatzel and a burger in Berlin

hot chocolate and cake at La Glace!

Duck it delivery from Wolt to our hotel

I’m grateful that I got to play tourist and show him around the wonderful city that I’ve been living in for the last few months.

Copenhagen contemporary

Tivoli

Norrebro lakes

Tivoli

Kastellet

So tiny…so underwhelming

Street trampolines!

I’m grateful that he got to see my day to day life, my commute from my apartment to the hospital I have class in, to see interactions with my friends and my flatmates, and to understand how all of this has made me grow.
I’m grateful to have taken him on a whirlwind 2 day trip like I have on several weekends during my time here and get to show him one of my favorite European cities.

East Side Gallery

Me at the Brandenburg Gate

Memorial for the Murdered Jews of Europe

Berliner Dom at Museum Island

Ian at the top of the Reichstag

East Side Gallery

I’m grateful for a partner who is patient, kind, understanding, and who is waiting for me to come home.

Wish you were here,

Rigel

 

 

First day jitters – a lesson on selfcare

Do you recall the last time you we’re anxious for your first day of school? Maybe it was ages ago, back in your elementary years. Maybe it was the day before your first day of college, even though you had gone to find your lecture hall the day before, and the day before that.

Your first day sets the tone for the semester sometimes. It affects your mood and how you view your whole day. Will the time you spend worry about it seem silly, or will it feel like you worried for all the right reasons?

Personally, I’ve always looked forward to first days. I usually find that while they can look like and feel like a mountain, they’re usually open arms. Don’t get me wrong, I was plenty anxious about my first day in class. Will I walk into the wrong classroom? What if I’m late, even though I live across the street from the buildings I need to be in? What if I absolutely don’t belong and I hate the classes I’m in, and am stuck in a foreign country for 4 months?!

I’ve been finding it difficult to turn my mind off. Last night, I put my phone away, and went to bed early. I had spent the day with a foggy mind and was making careless mistakes like walking into the bike lane and forgetting words. I allowed myself a slow morning, which can be dangerous if you’re still jetlagged. I took the time to shower, get ready, tidy up my space. As I made my coffee for breakfast, I was greeted by some of my friends in the LLC who invited me to go to brunch. Holding my impossibly hot cup of coffee, I was tempted to down it and head out with them. Just as many before me, and many after me, I was afraid if I didn’t come to every social gathering: I would forever be the person left out. But I was already socially exhausted, I still had readings to do before classes started, and most importantly: I still had a coffee to drink. I passed on the brunch. I had my coffee with toast while I read for my Medical Ethics class, and for a while it was just me in this sunny kitchen, and for the first time since arrival, I felt at home and relaxed.

My Medical Ethics reading ended up being much more nuanced of a read than I had anticipated. I’m really glad I took the time to read early, so that I could plan the rest of my day. My flatmates got back from brunch and, surprise: sat and talked to me! Sometimes that feeling of having to always say yes can feel like so much pressure, that saying no feels impossible. Especially when it comes to a new social circle.

In the afternoon I went to program orientation, where I found myself alone in the streets. As I began my walk back home, I saw a couple stores on my way home that I wanted to pop into, and let my feet carry me in. The Danish are definitely not as friendly as US workers are, and don’t ask you if you need anything in the store (they do have signs telling you to ask if you do though). I didn’t buy anything, but walking around, popping into new places and getting back to my room by myself AND without a GPS this time felt like such a momentus victory, and solidified the feeling of “home”.

I came home and found a million people in our kitchen, and suddenly had an inkling for a burger from a place our SRA had recommended before. Yelp had a deal if you checked in, and I strapped on my boots and got going. I brought back a European fanta and a burger, which, if you haven’t tried European fanta and you’re ever in Europe, you MUST. A friend showed me the difference and it’s astounding. The burger and the bag made me feel a little homesick, but the comfort food and not having to try to cook while 3 other people cook was well worth it.

I ended up taking about 4 hours to read my medical ethics readings. They were densely packed and had a lot of information. If I had made myself socialize like I wanted to I’m doubtful if it would’ve gotten done tonight. I would’ve had an insanely packed morning before my classes and I would’ve been really stressed out. My anxiety would be through the roof. By allowing myself the time to take care of myself and get extra sleep, to let go of some of the stress by taking it slow, I truly got to recharge. By saying no to some of the social gatherings going on today I was able to clear my mind and get things done. What is difficult in study abroad is balance: here you are in this new environment, and you have so many things to juggle, but don’t forget: you come first.

I’ve done some really cool things while being here, but taking this day to myself has been one of the best ones so far. I feel refreshed and ready for classes to start tomorrow, and I’m oddly not anxious at all. I know many of my peers are feeling as I am, and I hope all of them know it’s okay to take a day off too.

I am bursting at the seems to start classes. I meet my host family tomorrow night and am riding the metro for the first time too! It’ll be a busy day, but one long awaited. Once I’ve settled into a routine, I plan on exploring Copenhagen, while the weather is still beautiful. I can’t wait to tell you about it.

Wish you were here,

Rigel